Sunday, May 24, 2015

Taking Stock

It is difficult to believe when I came over here that it has been a year since I blogged. At the same time, it is not.

Life gets inherently chaotic sometimes. This seems to be such a season in mine. Last fall I became ill, as I do each year with my chronic illness. What was perhaps a bit different is that I was not able to "slog on", "fake it till I make it", or "put the brave front on". I was quite ill until recently and it took everything right out of me. My days and nights were spent sitting (and sleeping) in my chair, fighting to breathe and focusing on being just well enough to stay out of hospital. I am fortunate for my medical team who gives me what I need to do that most of the time. My doc especially knows how important it is to me and the functionality of my family for me to be home, even if it is simply just being able to sit in my chair and read a book with a child. It wears on me though, physically and emotionally.

More recently, I am facing a new diagnosis. I have skin cancer. So far it is "a good type" with little risk of metastasis. I had initial biopsies, then a week later at suture removal I was told my lesions were cancerous and less than 48 hours later had surgery (and a whole new set of sutures) to remove the cancer from one site. I got those sutures out a few days ago. I have another site that I will have surgery on and am scheduled for an appointment to review more areas which will certainly have more biopsies and possibly have more cancerous lesions removed. This just may be the summer of surgery and sutures it is looking like. While each incision is just a couple of inches long, they do still hurt and limit activity.

So as you can see, my sewing time has been limited. In fact, save for a pair of jammies for each of my kids and a couple of 15 minute dresses, I have not sewn since OCTOBER. Yes, you read that right. October, right around Halloween. This is the end of May.  Seven whole months.

Sewing was my muse. My purpose. My feeling of value and worthiness. My escape. It was my contribution to my family. I saw fabric and cutting and putting it together as art. I would sew as it made me feel better....until it did not.

So now what is a girl to do?

I look around and still see the effects on my home and family of a marginally functioning matriarch. My home is not the standard I would like. I would like to be able to do more with the kids. Gardening season is upon us. Oh and a flood. Let's not forget that we are actively under a flood watch for the entire summer this year and must prepare our home for a couple of feet of water in it (again).

I remain overwhelmed. I do not want to be. I want to find pleasure and self satisfaction once again. I want to feed my soul and flourish and bloom again, just like the flowers in the garden. These things make me smile. Give me strength. Make me worthy.

I want to garden. I want to find my paintbrushes and see if I can still create art. I want to wrangle my home, and my kids. I want to support my little man who is struggling with new a diagnosis and help him be successful at school. I want to teach my girlie to appreciate the things around her and share skills that one day may also bring her pleasure. I want to be a better wife. One who supports her man and is a good partner for what he wants and needs. I would love to read a book.

How is it that we can somehow become so busy getting next to nothing accomplished and have no time for these things that soothe a soul? I know that today I want to take some of that back. I want to record this journey. Record it so that I can reflect on what is taking place in those moments that feel like nothing is. To remind myself of my goals. And perhaps even to record some of the barriers if "life" gets in the way of achieving them so that I can reconcile it rather than beat myself up over it. I need to remind myself that if I have just had a procedure and have a bunch of stitches and it hurts to move that it is ok that the garden is not yet planted. At the same time, I need those goals to focus upon so that if all is going well I can knock them out efficiently.

Today I sew. My daughter has been asking so I will sew for her. I have printed off the pattern I will be using and need to tidy up the studio to be able to work, but it is my goal that for tomorrow, Monday, she will have something new to wear to school. I am going to find my sense of worthiness, my value, my purpose, my muse and escape sewing today.
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